Instead of blaming a coach, help players help themselves

From the Courier Press, August 24, 2008

The fall high school, cub and travel seasons are underway, and a scene that is not too uncommon might be to have your child come home unhappy after a day of practice.

Perhaps he or she didn't get to play as many minutes as they would like, or played as large a role as they would have liked. Not every kid gets to be happy all the time in sports, whether it be winning or losing a game, being a starter or a reserve, or having a larger or smaller role in their team.

Here are some helpful hints in dealing with your child as he or she starts their fall season:

Whose fault is it?
When your child is not playing the role you envision, there are two options:
1) The athlete or parent to accept that the child isn't performing to the fullest of his abilities, and/or another player is performing better. That is hard to do, both for the athlete and the parent; it requires being honest with yourself, as well as to block out the natural emotional attachment.

2) Blame the coach. I always tell disgruntled players that you can't blame the coach when you don't play the role that you want, then credit yourself when you do play yourself into that role. Either it is all on the coach, or it is all on the player's shoulders. I do maintain that the coach's decisions are based more on how your child performs than on a personal preference. Give yourself, your child and the coach more credit if you are going to point fingers, point at the person in the mirror first.

Fix the problem
If your child is not happy with their current role or playing time, it should be resolved between the player and the coach. Take it from me — the only thing worse than sitting on the bench and watching the game is watching your parent embarrass you by meeting with the coach to talk it out.

Put your child in a position to succeed by giving them more responsibility — have them meet with the coach to find out what they are not doing, rather than what the coach is doing wrong. In most cases, similar to a teacher who is asked for extra credit by a student, the coach will bend over backward to help the players who are trying to help themselves. The player who has a parent intercede is labeled "high maintenance."

Create an 'action plan'
Once your child identifies why he/she is not playing the role they seek, they need to create an 'action plan" — a series of exercises or activities to work on away from practice, or a mentality to adopt in practice. An 'action plan' is steps to improve the problem that has been identified by the coach.

Things you can control
The hardest part of being a parent of an athlete is that perhaps unlike your own job or household, you can't control the variables that go along with success, or lack of, in athletics. That's hard as a parent, because the initial instinct is to protect a child by helping them through adverse situations.

In soccer or any sport, there are some variables that you will not be able to control — the weather, a referee's call, the playing surface, a coach's decision. The only things that your child can control is attitude and effort — having a positive attitude is something that every coach wants from every player; without a positive attitude, you are a detraction or distraction to the group rather than a part of its core.

Having a strong effort and work-ethic is something that can help you work through problems — the harder you work, the greater your luck improves. Rather than moan about situations that they cannot control, worry about the factors that the players can control — their own attitude and their own effort. If your child has a great attitude and puts out excellent effort, regardless as to how large or small their role, they will be a successful member of the group.